- Thought Leader. Not only is this ridiculously pretentious, but it’s so 2011 that Mac Miller is rapping about Donald Trump as #LifeGoals.
- Poet. Unless you have actually made money as a poet, this title should be reserved for laureates and, well, real poets — like me.
- Warrior. As much as I want to claim this title based on all the battles I have waged on my own discomfort and the burgeoning layer of chub around my midsection, I cannot in good conscience call myself a warrior.
- Poet Warrior. Unless you’re King David, anyone who awards this title to themselves is asking for a serious Philistine butt whooping.
- King of the Hill. Which hill are you referring to? The snow mound at recess from when you were in 3rd grade and pushed all the other kids off the top? Did you think that was cool, Jeff Malone? Do you feel strong and powerful? Or do you still feel like you still need to show everyone around you who’s the boss? Well look who’s the boss now, Jeffrey, and I’m gonna throw this resume back in your face. Why are you still holding onto that little victory from grade school? I sure am not. Get out of my office, Jeff.