- Reusable rags. I mean, we do it for babies so why not adults? (No old rags? Time for some closet spring cleaning! Saves you the trouble of having a garage sale!)
- Install a bidet. Feels good and it’s fun to see which of your friends can take the hardest setting!
- Poo right before you shower. No need to wipe when you’re about to scrub, and if you do wipe and then shower, you’re a certified first-class diva.
- Just don’t wipe at all. I mean, the French probably don’t wipe and they’re classy.
- Stop eating. Eating leads to pooping which leads to wiping.
- Pray that God miraculously close your bottomhole the way He closed the mouths of the lions when Daniel was in their den. What, are you doubting what God can do??
- Email Jeff Bezos and ask him to put you on his private rocket ship (we all know he has one) and blast you to a world where this virus has yet to invade and use their toilet paper, but if you do this, you must agree to two conditions: you don’t have the virus already, otherwise you’ll infect this clean new world, and you must bring some TP back for the rest of us, otherwise why are you on this mission in the first place, and don’t you care about the rest of us? You selfish pig.
- Leaves. Just not poison ivy.